Sarcastic Status in English

Sarcastic Status

Think I’m Sarcastic. Watch Me Pretend To Care.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Avoid arguments about the toilet seat…use the sink.
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around.
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy.
My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
My IQ came back negative.
Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software…it’s called #Monday, please fix it.
Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Suicide: Mans way of telling God You can’t fire me, I quit.
Me: What kind of font is this.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Facebook is telling me to “reconnect” with my brother…hmmm, I see him everyday.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free.
Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode really.
Going to temple/church/mosque doesn’t make you a human, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff and I want it.
I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.
Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away.
I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell.
I’m smiling. This should scare you.
t takes two to lie… One to lie and one to listen.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I love my life, but it just wants to be friends.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Oh… Sorry… Did you mistake me for someone who cares.
People say that laughter is the best medicine…my face must be curing the world.

It takes patience to listen. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold and eaten.
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
No Déjà vu please… I Don’t want to go through that again.
Waitress: Do u have any questions about the menu.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’m a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.
There is no “me” in team. No, wait, yes there is.
Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.

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